All Relationship Advice is BullSh*t

All Relationship advice is bullsh*t. If you are currently in a relationship, this post is not for you. You are going to try and argue with me that something wonderful happened in a super crazy way, and then you ended up being in the most amazing relationship (I wish you could convey tone better in writing, because that was soaked in heavy sarcasm), and real life is not like that. Raise your hand if you have ever felt victimized by the following statements: “Stop looking, that’s when your significant other will show up”; “you need to get out more if you ever expect to meet someone”; “Your time will come”. If you raised your hand to any of those, this one’s for you.

I’ve been in two “actual” relationships in my life, and they both lasted less than 2 months. So, what makes me think I am capable of giving relationship advice? Well, first, this is more like single advice, and I’m a pro at being single. Second, I’m not looking at life through heart-shaped, rose-colored glasses, so I have more of an objective few on relationships.

First thing I want you to notice is that throughout this blog I will be saying significant other, because this applies to ALL people, boy/girl/undecided/striaght/gay/bi/trans/+… (I apologize if I missed you, but if you are a living, breathing human being this is for you). I am straight, however, so when I talk about myself I will describe what kind of man I want. 

I know what you are wondering, “If all relationship advice is bullsh*t then why am I writing a blog about relationship advice”? Well, Stacie, like I said before this is single advice, but less like advice, and more like necessary life lessons. If you are in your single waiting period, here are some lessons on how not to feel so alone and how not to kill your roommate who keeps telling you “enjoy being single, I miss being single” (we all know he/she doesn’t actually miss being single).

Lesson #1- Do not change yourself to find a significant other 

Has anyone told you in order to obtain a significant other “You need to be less obnoxious”, “You need to eat more like a civil human being”, “You need to have long hair, lose weight, talk less, not go on a 45 minute rant of why Captain America was in the right by not signing the Sokovian Accords”, even though it’s true because really, if continued it would be the same as throwing them into internment camps because of something they were born with. Okay, that last one might just be me, but you get the point. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM! Honey, if you want to lose weight to be more fit, so you can keep up with your kiddos: Then do it! But do not, for the love of God, lose weight for a significant other. If you change something about yourself for someone else, how long do you think you can keep up the charade? A few weeks, months, years? Best case scenario, you get tired of keeping up appearances and your significant other realizes he/she didn’t fall in love with the real you, and he/she breaks your heart. Worst case scenario, you two get married and have a couple of kids and then “fall out of love” because he/she realized that wasn’t a part of the real you, and he/she wants someone who is a work out noob. Now you’re stuck in a messy divorce and have brought poor children into it. Be who you want to be and want who you want. Don’t settle because you deserve to be happy. Someone who will love you for all you are, just the way you are, will come. Stop getting distracted by all others because you’re lonely. Trust me. I get it. Being lonely sucks sometimes, but I rather be single and lonely at times, then be with a man who doesn’t really love me.

Lesson #2- Don’t settle

This one gets me! People will ask me what I want in a man, so I tell them, and they say, “That’s ridiculous. You are way to picky. You’ll never find a man like that”. I roll my eyes and walk away, just because they have chosen to settle doesn’t mean I have to. To know you are not settling, make a list of your dream man, and then put a star by the attributes that are your deal breakers and stick to it. Here are my deal breakers:

• He has a relationship with Jesus Christ and is willing to talk about it with me.

• He loves nerdy things (Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Harry Potter, etc.). He doesn’t have to love all of them, but show appreciation of my love for them. We will be going to comic cons and Disney regularly.

• He is able to have controversial discussions, and not get over emotional during them. I love talking politics, religions and World News, and I want to learn and grow with my significant other.

• I have to be attracted to him. I am not saying he has to be the hunkiest guy in the world, but I want to want him. I don’t want to be with someone who makes me cringe every time I go to kiss him.

Those are my only deal breakers, and yes people say I am being too picky. If I am being honest though; I would rather be single than be with someone who wants me to hide my love of God, nerdiness, or passion for knowledge. Know what you want and what you are willing to sacrifice, because you are going to have to put up with it for the rest of your life. 

Lesson #3- Take time to wallow

Yes, I said you should wallow. I do not care if you are the baddest bitch around, or are the biggest womanizer, you are going to get lonely. You will have times you wish you were in a relationship. You will crawl into a bed of an ex. You will get cranky and throw a “why me?” rant. You will want to vomit at the site of other couples being cute or otherwise burst into tears. I have moments when I get intense baby fever. Okay, I know most of you reading this know me and will tell me that I always have baby fever, but there are times where I actually cry because of how badly I want a child. I think it stems from the fact I don’t know what it’s like to be loved by a guy, but I know what it’s like to be loved by a child. I grew up babysitting, volunteering with the kids at church, and helping take care of my niece and nephew. I also act like a child most of the time, so kids and I bond pretty well. On the days I get really lonely, I dream of the day I will take care of a child as my own. I fantasize more about being a single mom, and adopting several kids than I do about a wedding these days. And I am here to tell you that all of that is OKAY! It is okay to be sad, lonely, grossed out or do crazy things because you are single. It is normal. We are humans and I believe we were created to be relational beings. So it makes sense to get upset sometimes, but we can’t live there. About once or twice a month (depending how bad my hormones are during my period) I have a good ole wallowing sesh. I break out the wine, my favorite movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, and my favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and wallow in my own self pity. I get up the next day and realize how great my life is and move on. But it’s important to feel your feelings and understand where you are at. You don’t want to cave in those moments and jump into a relationship with somebody you don’t actually like, you will get hurt worse and hurt that person in the process. Take time to love yourself. 

Lesson #4- Become who you want to fall in love with

Do you have the list of your dream significant other? Not just the deal breakers, but all of the things that would make up your dream person? Good. Now become that person. You want someone to travel with? Travel by yourself. Want someone that treats you like the queen/king you are? Treat yourself like the king/queen you are. You want someone who is into weightlifting? Get into weightlifting yourself. Life is too short to wait for a significant person to do all those fun things on your bucket list. Believe me, I get it, life is more fun when doing it with someone else. But that kind of thinking has held me back from living my best life. Now, I go rock climbing, hiking, reading at the beach, all by myself. I have fun doing the activity and find out a little more about myself every time I go. What are you waiting for? Go live the life you’ve dreamed of, and someone from somewhere will come along side of you and finish the race of life with you. 

I hope you feel a little bit better about this single phase you are going through. Always remember you are not alone. And hey, if we end up single for the rest of ours lives, at least we know how we can be happy!

XOXO,

KCB